Wherever You Are – A Memoir of Love, Marriage, and Brain Injury by Cynthia Lim
They met at age 18 while standing in line at college. Six years later, with their graduate degrees, they married and became VISTA volunteers. Afterward, they began their careers. As one of their careers took off, the other stayed at home to raise their two sons.
Their lives came crashing down when on a short trip to Portland, Perry, an attorney with one of the larger Los Angeles law firms, suffered cardiac arrest, lack of oxygen, and anoxic brain injury.
She froze… she couldn’t move!
Deprived of oxygen his brain cells began to die. Nearly 21 years of marriage and Cynthia couldn’t let go of the guilt. Did her inaction result in his diminished capacity after he woke from a coma where she held vigil? Could she have prevented his short-term memory loss, inability to say more than a few words at a time, and incontinence?
This could happen to any of us! What would we do?
In this memoir, Cynthia gifts us with her experience and knowledge. Her education was in social work and she had a career with the Los Angeles Unified School District before retiring in 2017. It takes strength to share with such vulnerability. She includes moments that paint her in a negative light. People may be quick to judge her actions; yet, there is much they can learn.
Candid Account of Lives Dramatically Altered
A candid account of coping, finding balance between full-time work, caregiving, and raising two sons, while wanting to escape this life she’s living with her brain-impaired husband.
She often wonders about their life before. She also wonders what life would have been like without Perry following his brain injury. She would miss him. This drives her commitment.
Building Strength as a Caregiving Wife
She takes greater control over the things that Perry did for them. She plans the details of their trips. She drives (with white knuckles) through rainstorms and snow. She even manages to replace a part when the toilet malfunctions.
Her biggest challenge was dealing with the insurance companies who stopped paying for Perry’s therapy or refused to pay disability benefits. An attorney with impeccable character helped her. Marc asked the key questions, which enabled them to start receiving benefits.
Step-by-step, she braves ahead with the encouragement of her sons who supported her and their dad, even while away at college.
Contrary to the literature, her husband thrives on stimulation. He thrived at a Christmas gathering with 30 of Cynthia’s relatives and at Dodgers games. She realizes the controlled environment at home was what made him sluggish.
And then she has a cancer-scare and was hospitalized.
What is stress, really?
She faces the disparity between her own and others’ definitions of “stress.” During a reunion for her son’s elementary school and before the young adults went off to college, the students and parents reminisced about the years. One parent talked of the unbearable stress during her son’s application to Harvard. (He got in.) Cynthia weighed this parent’s measure of stress against sitting by her husband’s side in the hospital for 10 days wondering if he would wake up from a coma.
In the spring of 2018, only months before their 36th wedding anniversary, Perry passed away with his family by his side.
Pre-Brain Injury Relationship
Before she became a caregiver, she shares the essence of their relationship:
I remembered that much of our relationship was grounded in talk and conversation, about our day, of mundane things of who said what, funny anecdotes, things that troubled us, pesky personnel, testy encounters with others. We talked when we felt buoyant or insecure, anxious or worried about a current project. We talked about our favorite topic, our children… I missed that conversation with my best friend, the person who knew me best and always propped me up, who believed in my abilities with unconditional praise and love.
The Little Things Matter in Life
Cynthia Lim reminds us in her caregiving memoir, Wherever You Are, that the little things matter in life. Fifteen years of caregiving and she shares insights we often don’t have the words to describe. While she had help from a caregiver during the day, so she could work, she’d take over Perry’s care in the evenings and on weekends.
For more information, visit http://cynthialimwriting.com/writing/
