Let us give thanks for all the days… and use Thanksgiving as a reminder.
Holidays remind us to take a break from our busy caregiving days. If possible, we may get together with family and friends over great food and gifts. Holidays grant us the opportunity to reminisce and to give thanks. And most importantly, holidays give us a caregiver respite. What’s even better is when we laugh!
Orphan Caregiver Holidays
While a caregiver for my father with Alzheimer’s, I’d host “orphan holidays.” I started this tradition because we family caregivers had no place to go where people understood the plight of a caregiver. What’s more, if we wanted to bring our loved ones, we would only feel comfortable among other caregivers who knew first-hand what to expect. What was even better during our gatherings was when we enjoyed a momentary reprieve from caregiving after another caregiver helped our loved one. This gave us the peace of mind to continue a conversation with someone else or enjoy our meal without interruption.
Caregiver Humor
Memories shared with fellow caregivers are priceless. Only a caregiver for a person with dementia appreciates the quirky humor shared with a loved one with moderate or advanced dementia. As brain cells die, fewer synaptic connections make it more difficult to assess a situation and to behave appropriately.
My father’s memorable antics live on.
Double 8s
On my father’s 88th Birthday, his attention was drawn to the two 8 candles on his cake. He said something that I could not hear. Then people were laughing. Not wanting to miss out, I asked. Two caregivers were embarrassed but brave enough to repeat what they heard. My father compared the rounded 8 candles to the two rounded parts of his male anatomy.
What always surprises us caregivers is how different our loved ones behave with dementia. During the first 18 years I lived at home, my father refused to share “dirty jokes” or naughty words in Armenian, the first language we spoke growing up. Yet, living with dementia, he behaved and spoke without a filter.
Exposing Privates
During a fellow caregiver’s wife’s birthday party, my father and I arrived last. We took our seats at the opposite end of the table from the birthday girl and her hubby. As the we sang the last verse of the birthday song, my father started unzipping his pants. Please forgive me for what comes to mind. Remember the wind-up toy, Pop goes the weasel?
A Face Only a Mother Could Love
Version from an earlier post: A Face Only a Mother Could Love
My father maintained his diplomacy with a twist of dry humor until a little over a year before he died.
I witnessed some remarkable and lucid moments within his ever-changing days. Curious, I wanted to learn how self-aware he was at age 89, less than three years after his dementia diagnosis.
One afternoon, when my father was still able to draw on his sense of humor, I pulled out a mirror and held it in front of his face.
“See that face?” I asked.
My father studied his reflection.
“That’s a face only a mother could love,” I joked.
While continuing to look at his reflection, he replied with the greatest sincerity, “A mother couldn’t be that discreet.”
Today’s Orphan Holidays
When I am not traveling or volunteering, I continue the orphan holiday tradition with friends and my adopted family of friends.
When friends (orphans) get together, it’s more exciting. We show greater appreciation for the gift of a change of pace. Often, family members gather with unresolved issues that bubble like toxic waste under the facade of smiling faces and laughter. In my experience, there’s uncomfortable tension. Meanwhile, families-of-choice and friends don’t usually bring their childhood hurts. And there are few if any lingering misunderstandings. So, we heartily enjoy one another’s company and the food and FUN while we’re together.
Give the Gift of Attention
While you share the holidays with your friends and family, please consider giving the one gift you cannot buy—your attention.
You don’t have to go into a crowded store and wait in line to pay an inflated pre-holiday price.
Attention is sorely lacking in our world. People are not being heard. People are not listening. People are not reading closely. Messages are being lost. Our health is in peril.
When you spend time over the holidays with your family and friends, remember to set aside your phone. Turn off the volume (unless you’re on call). Focus on the person sitting next to you. Focus on the person telling a story. Focus on someone else. Engage the person with questions. Listen to the answers.
Loneliness is an epidemic. While caregivers treasure time they can spend alone for a little self-care, feeling lonely is undesirable.
Take time to consider this: The VOICE that LISTENS, first, SPEAKS to the HEARTS of CAREGIVERS.
Finally, keep smiling with more Caregiver Humor. Visit The Caregiver’s Voice HUMOR channel.
