When a loved one passes on, they will not be forgotten so long as someone remembers.
It’s been two years since my neighbor died. I sent his daughter another eMail:
Subject: Coming up on two years, Barbara…I still miss …
Dear Barbara,
It will be two years and feels like forever!
I wanted to let you know; on May 5th I will be posting the following to our newly upgraded website at www.TheCaregiversVoice.com. I am sending this to you as a preview.
I sent Barbara the following: Mother’s Day Endures Amidst Grief. Please read for before reading today’s post.
Barbara had given me permission to post her letter months earlier. As I often do, I make sure there’s been no change of heart. Many of you know how much I respect your privacy; especially given the intimate nature of caregiving. You can rest assured when you say something is “off-the-record,” it really is with me!
Dear Brenda,
So nice to hear from you. I hope you, Dave, and that skinny cat of yours are all doing fine. My cat is as fat as ever
[BOY, she ain’t kidding! See the cat on the left? He’s our boy. See the fat ca
t on the right? We couldn’t even fit all of her in the viewfinder!] She is enjoying her “golden years” lounging around the house all day. As we speak, she is cuddled up next to Melissa on her bed. She really leads the life of Riley…
Yes, the two-year anniversary is coming up. The tears are fewer and farther between nowadays but there are times when I still feel such a profound sense of loss that I can hardly stand it. It’s like there is a huge whole in my heart that will never be able to be filled up. I just wish I could
- hug him one more time;
- rub his little bald head;
- make him my turkey tacos;
- or see the look on his face when I would set some dessert in front of him.
I just miss him so.
Mom will be spending a good portion of May with me. She is going to have eye surgery and I will be her caretaker. (I seem to fall into that roll, don’t I?) I’m glad to have her with me though. I don’t get up to the hill as much as I would like because it’s hard to get up there with Melissa’s school and competition cheer activities.
I call her all the time, but it’s not like going up and seeing her. I can better assess her condition and situation when I go up there. When I just call her, I don’t think I get the entire picture. She says she’s still content up there, but I don’t know. I worry about her up there by herself.
I think it is sweet of you to include my letter in your website. It will be interesting to see if others can relate to it. I cried when I re-read it. It brought back a lot of feelings.
Anyway, have a wonderful day and give my love to your family (furry and otherwise).
Love,
Barbara
This Sunday, is Mother’s Day. If you are able, take the initiative to do as Barbara is doing and spend time with your mother. She’s here for only a short while. When your mom is gone, you might end up doing what I’ve done– adopt a mom to fill the void. Over the years, I’ve adopted three! Each has a special name: Mummy Sally in Florida who’s been my mom since my mother died in 1993. [Yes, the “Mummy” bit is English.] In 2005, I adopted Mama Maria who, as a dual citizen, makes her homes in both America and Mexico. In 2006, while in Mexico, I also adopted Mama Amalia who I don’t see as often but whose quiet presence remains with me.
HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY, MOMS!
Brenda Avadian, MA
Editor, The Caregiver’s Voice Blog
Dear Brenda,
I want to let you know, that you not only have three adopted mothers, you also have adopted us as your family and we have adopted you and David as friends and family too.
In 2006 when you and David had the time to go with us to Mexico and experience our families’ daily lives, we all experienced a magic invisible bond that will exist for the rest of our lives.
We had such a good time and we were honored to have you in our home town Colotlán, located in the northern part of the state of Jalisco.
My mom and my wife’s mother (Mama Maria) always ask for you both and send you their blessings.
Sincerely,
Miguel and Rosa Mayorga
Estimado Miguel y Rosa,
Muchas gracias por invitarnos a su casa aquí en Estados Unidos y en México.
David y yo tuvimos una oportunidad única en la vida para experimentar cómo viven realmente las familias en los pueblos rurales del norte de Jalisco.
Admiramos sus familias por su trabajo duro y compromiso con ustedes mismos y mejorar los que te rodean.
El amor,
David y Brenda
When you are a caregiver life can be ‘hell;’ but when they are gone you know you would not have traded it for any other solution.
When we were young, my sister told me that when the time came she could not take care of our parents that I would have to do it. She passed away a few years after we had that conversation; and yes, I was the only one left to take care of our parents.
As it would be, my mother passed away four years after my sister, so that just left my father and me. He was easy to be a caregiver to for the most part; always cooperative, but as the years went on my relationship with my husband was strained, my children all moved away with their families, and I was still Daddy’s caregiver.
It’s been thirteen years now since daddy passed, and there are still times when I think I did not do enough for my father; a lot of which I did not know to do.
Over the years since, some things have come to me and I find myself saying “Geez, I should have done that for Daddy” or I should have made that decision for Daddy.
I do not belittle myself nor punish myself, for when it is the first person you know with dementia or Alzheimer’s, you don’t have a clue what to do. You meet wonderful caregivers like Brenda, and learn how to do it day by day.
I would not change anything (if I could) nor would I hesitate to take care of anyone else, as I did with an elderly couple across the street (not to the extent of Daddy). I am a caregiver-type person and Daddy was my gift from God.
Brenda, I miss you and will always care about you.
Love, Sally
[Editor’s Remark: Sally is Brenda Avadian’s adopted Mom]
Dear Mummy,
Thank you for sharing this.
But most of all, thank you for adopting me when my mother died.
You have been a source of strength and guidance for many years.
Love,
Brenda