In this guest post, Jay Kraker, addresses questions often received by Ask The Caregiver’s Voice. Is it okay to get angry? How can I deal with my negative emotions while caregiving? (TCV Ed.)
Caregiving can stir up a buffet of negative emotions.
In twenty-plus years of caregiving, I’ve felt anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, frustration, fear and shame many times. I’ve also felt love and joy. It’s taken nearly that long for me to accept these feelings as “normal,” and to process them in healthy ways.
Background
My wife, Sue, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1980 and it has evolved in ways that aren’t “typical.” Even today, her motor skills are fairly good. Her most significant challenges are very unreliable short-term memory and difficulty with anything that resembles multitasking. Some of these symptoms first became noticeable in the late 1980s. Over the years, frustration and anger have surfaced most often for me when dealing with the consequences of these cognitive challenges.
My own journey dealing with these emotions has been life-changing.
Like most American males, I learned early that “big boys don’t cry” and that I was “supposed to be strong” enough to handle whatever comes my way.
I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I recognized earlier that those adages aren’t true. But it’s never too late to learn.
Handling Negative Caregiving Emotions
The first step forward is to know that your anger (or any negative emotion) is okay, provided you don’t repress it continuously. Instead, acknowledge it. Know that your feelings are normal, and allow yourself to feel them as fully and safely as possible.
I strongly recommend that you find friends who will be with you periodically in person or by phone, and allow you to fully express what’s on your mind while venting the tears, anger or other emotion that flows naturally. Your friend should agree to listen in confidence, without judging or giving advice. In return, you can offer the same support when s/he needs it. Generally, it’s better to do this with someone other than the person who has triggered your negative feelings.
Today I have a list of friends I can call to arrange a “session” to vent and release. I am free to do so without making Sue feel upset, guilty, or afraid that she is a burden. Moreover, my friends know I’m there for them. As a result, my energy is higher, my mood lighter and my productivity greater than it would have been. For these friends, and for the process that Michael and Linda Vaughn taught me for this, I’m eternally grateful.
For more details, please visit The Empowered Caregiver Network [TCV Update 11/30/2020: The URL no longer links to the intended site.] and join us for our monthly, phone-based support group.
Jay Kraker, Founder
The Empowered Caregiver Network
This is such important insight and encouragement for caregivers!
The shame that comes to all of us when we attempt to take care of ourselves in the midst of trying to care for another is oftentimes unbearable. I used to feel such rage and sadness when Mom would throw things at me in her earlier stages of Alzheimer’s and knew that it was absolutely the wrong thing, and counter-productive, to discuss the behavior with Mom. I never really vented to anyone back then because I thought people would think I couldn’t handle caring for Mom.
I would have loved to have read this back then and have had The Caregiver’s Voice to turn to for this type of valuable information.
As a caregiver a second time around, I’m all too familiar with the quagmire of emotions that come with this role.
The anger in my case has more to do with my parent being a narcissist and believing that the role didn’t have any impact on my life and my children’s and constantly devaluing the time, effort ,and cost we’ve paid.
I appreciate your insight and hopefully it, along with some tips I got from [TCV Ed: Click on resource url next to Cathy’s name], will help me be more effective this time. Thanks.
Jay, thank you for great post.
Three things come to mind after reading your post:
1) It is good to hear from a man who is a caregiver. Too often the role of men as caregivers is overlooked. (To be fair this is understandable as most caregivers are female.)
2) Caregiving is usually a very, very hard job in one or more different ways: emotionally, physically and financial. I think it is very noble and healthy to be honest about how hard it can be. Jay’s honesty in expressing his feelings about the emotional challenges to caregiving acts to free many other people to be able to express similar feelings.
I have an unique perspective in that since 2002 I have made my living giving classes on Long Term Care to employees of Fortune 500 companies and Federal agencies. I recently finished a national Long Term Care education effort for Federal employees on behalf of the Federal Long Term Care Insurance Plan.
Very often after my class is over a group of people will stay after. Usually it turns out the people have some first hand experience with caregiving. A common expression to just about every one of these impromptu groups: caregiving was often (usually?) an emotionally brutal experience and one they were not prepared for.
Is it better for new caregivers to know upfront that there is a high probability they will be facing negative emotions during some part of their caregiving experience?
3) Jay’s strategy to create a support network is an awesome one and is a great example for others to duplicate.
Jay, thanks again for great post.
Brenda, thank you for bringing Jay’s info to us!
Don, thank you for taking time to provide a thoughtful response.
I agree–Jay does bring caregivers together to help them virtually.
In fact, one week from today on Sunday, the 30th of October at 4pmET/ 3pmCT/1pmPT, Jay Kraker will be hosting Dr. Cheryl Woodson for the first 20 minutes followed by a brief Q&A session between caregivers and then small group discussions among caregivers, concluding with a large group discussion of insights gained in the breakout sessions.
For more information visit the The Empowered Caregiver Network link provided in the article above.
This would be a good time to attend the session and get an answer to the question you raise in your comment–whether or not to share with caregivers early on that they will experience negative emotions.
Thanks for sharing your experience as a caregiver. This is something that no one should have to go through alone, and hopefully blogs like this will encourage more people to get out and seek support.
This is a great post for caregivers! There are definitely a lot of emotions that come along with that role and management is key! I work for an organization, Good Days from Chronic Disease Fund, that works with patients to help them pay for the medication they need. While we cannot take away the expenses completely, we try to lessen the burden as much as possible. Visit our website for more information on our efforts, and to learn what you can do to help us, help so many.