What is it about guilt that causes some caregivers to suffer?
What’s worse is some of us become paralyzed by guilt.
How fair is that?
It’s not.
During the almost twenty years, I’ve specialized in serving caregivers for people with dementia, I’ve learned that guilt has a stronghold on some while others step aside to let guilt pass.
Unsure, I’d question every detail after my husband and I moved my father from his Wisconsin home of forty-five years into our California home. Unknowing, I didn’t even know what questions to ask.
Like a habit, guilt regularly casts clouds upon our lives, even though we’ve already extended ourselves beyond what is humanely possible.
Do we choose to feel guilt? In a way, yes when it becomes a habitual response. Popular societal beliefs perpetuate this with sayings like God won’t give you more than you can handle.
When we face reality of just how much energy caregiving requires of our time, emotions, mental, and physical, and that we’re doing all we can, there’s no room left for guilt.
I was doing the best I knew how to give my father a quality life for his last years living with dementia and later, Alzheimer’s.
Yet, guilt persists and creeps into those narrow channels of our lives filled with self-doubt.
We wonder if we’re doing enough. We wonder if we’re doing the right things. We wonder…
We need help letting go of guilt.
Is there a spray or something we can use to eradicate guilt? Maybe we need a new product called Guilticide.
Are you smiling? Good. Me too.
Before the folks on Shark Tank consider marketing a bottle of Guilticide, let’s look at one alternative treatment that feels good–HUMOR. Humor helps us stop the maddening downward spiral of depression and push away guilt. Let’s laugh and send some serotonin to our brains. We deserve it.
Click to read my article for U.S. News & World Report on Coping with Caregiver Guilt.
Indeed, there is need to let go of guilt. caregivers do a superb job of enhancing care for those in need.
Thank you for your message from aaallll the way around the world in Nairobi, Newton! 🙂
Caregiver Guilt?
I could tell some stories about this subject.
I felt so guilty during the entire 10 years I dealt with Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. I always felt I made difficult decisions that were wrong. I always wondered if I should have done something else. I fought with the Veterans Administration for the benifits my wife deserved. I am still fighting them.
Now that she is gone she has a benefitd coming that they are dragging their feet. But, I did not mind fighting for anything for her. The guilt feelings I always felt continued until one day I woke to see my daughter supporting me as she always had, but this time she told some people basically lay off me.
I did what I could and fought the disease for 10 years of which for 7-8 of the last years my wife was slowly fading away. It was a long and hard battle. I would yell at walls, not when she was around, I woudl cry wondering, Did I do the right thing?
It seemed I was constantluy monitoring her medications and actually have heated discussions with doctors over the meds they were giving her.
To wrap it up in a few words.
Yes, you will feel guilt. But, there is no reason to.
You will feel anxiety and depression.
All lthis as I found out was normal.
for me, finding another mate was the answer. I felt so lonely, depressed and just like I did not want to go on. But I knew that was not what my beloved Marie would want fo rme.
I met a wonderful woman who is unusual. She supports me and helps me through the grief and my loss. She tried to make up for it when My daughter and her are the only ones left that constantly help me.
Family and friends have disappeared. Well, except for one sister who is always there for me.
SO, do not let the doubts of what you do fog up your mind. You are doing all you can.
I will help anyone I can get through depression and the guilt.I can be contacted through Brenda. I hope everyone finds a mate like I did. I truely think God and Marie sent me this woman.