Caregiver, if something’s not right, ask.
When something’s not right, don’t look the other way.
Ask questions. Act.
Whenever you wait to do something, it’ll catch up with you. It will grow larger. It will demand a huge amount of your time, energy, and money than you have right now.
This article was inspired by a 70-something man seeking my expert statement on what was initially a confusing description of the circumstances around his aunt’s caregiver. We exchanged several emails as he added more details.
Here is a family member who feels hurt. He seeks to implicate his late aunt’s caregiver for a perceived injustice. The aunt has already passed. The caregiver is no longer working with the family. The judge requests a statement by an expert. It would have to be an opinion based on hearsay—the details this nephew would choose to share. While I often help caregiving families, I felt uncomfortable about making a statement with limited information regarding his late aunt’s quality of caregiving.
I suggested it would take time to learn more details prior to making a statement. He didn’t seem to value my approach.
In the course of trying to persuade me to make a statement, he shared that he and his siblings are heirs to her “massive estate,” which includes an ocean-view home.
I am willing to help, but I also limit my time when people make small requests repeatedly that quickly steal my time and energy from those who genuinely value my contribution.
He needed to be involved while his aunt was alive. Now, he must pick up the pieces of a potentially wronged situation.
Knee-Jerk Reactions
Yet, who can blame him? He’s really a mirror of today’s society. We put off or even ignore something until it’s too late. How else, do we witness corporate failures under the leadership of multi-million-dollar-compensated CEOs and board members who do NOT honor their fiduciary responsibilities? We resort to knee-jerk legislation to punish future wrongs we’ve ignored for far too long.
Speak Up. Ask Questions.
I tend to prefer a relatively peaceful existence; though, people tell me I’m a fun-loving-energetic contributor. I have been the first to speak up when things appear off-balance. Drawing on diplomacy skills I learned from my father, I begin with optimism that others will be open to different ways of seeing.
When something’s not right, even while serving on a board populated by sycophants or “yes” people, I asked questions. When people have a hidden agenda, their actions cause an ever-expanding ripple of loss to innocent victims. These self-enriching people try to gaslight people like me who ask questions to learn more. The older I grow, the more strongly I assert my observations and need to for answers. My goal? To deter disasters.
Act.
Observe.
Grow your awareness.
Ask questions. What you see may not be what you think it is. (Read that again, slowly.)
Speak up. Make sure your voice is heard.
Act. Sometimes, acting means walking away when others in the flock are too chicken to speak up.
We All Pay for Those Who Do Wrong
You do. I do.
Look, another bank fallout! Who gets hurt? Not the CEO who reportedly cashed out his options and stocks before the fall. You and I do, indirectly via lowered returns on our diversified retirement accounts.
Even the Walmart shoplifter hurts you and me.
People joyously exclaim, “Stick it to the man! C’mon, Walmart’s huge. They won’t miss it.” Or in the case of Big Tech, “What’s wrong with copying software? Microsoft’s not going to miss this one copy.”
The truth is, it’s not just one shoplifter or software thief. These actions are repeated thousands of times across the nation and around the world. Billions of potential revenues never contribute to the bottom line of these companies.
Who pays? Not Walmart. Not Microsoft.
Executives still get their bonuses and multi-million-dollar salaries and benefits.
We “stick it” to ourselves with higher prices when we turn a blind eye. Yep, we screw ourselves by not speaking up. (How to do that tactfully and without risking harm, is a half-day seminar.)
What can you do, Caregiver?
Stick to your values. Stay grounded. Focus on the details. (Cross all your t’s and dot all your i’s.) Don’t give into the FOMO urge.
Returning to the inspiration for this article; I chose not to be involved. It’s hard to try to rectify a perceived wrong. It will take time, since the family waited to address caregiving issues in real time.
I prefer preventative planning. It takes a lot of time, effort, and patience. Despite appearing in court, I’ve prevailed by digging in unimaginable and too-much-to-bear paperwork. Still, I prefer to prevent or address potential wrongs in real time. This way I avoid having to fix things later.
When you see something that doesn’t seem right, ask.
Hire a professional. Yes, we must carefully tend to our hard-earned money. I view paying for expertise as a worthwhile investment. Professionals, like attorneys, have spent years studying and gaining experience. I’ve found, despite the firehose drain of funds at $450 an hour, I learn things that bring me a greater return on my investment.
The man who contacted me was heir to a sizeable fortune. He felt a need to sue for further damages. Meanwhile, he placed little value on my time. My advice: Do the hard thing first. Avoid the stress later on by engaging and acting when things appear off balance—that is, while his aunt was alive and being cared for.
Until then, caregiver, read this illuminating look at valuing your and others’ talents and limited time. When we define the value we place on things, services, and relationships, we ask, “What’s it worth to me?” and “What will it cost me in time and energy?”
Act. If something doesn’t feel right with the way your loved one is being cared for, get involved. If not now, usually later will be too late. Also, read this article to help you either speak up or let it go. Doing so will reduce the toxicity in your life. Say It! Say What Bothers You and Let Go of Mental Clutter
If you’re not a careful chicken, you’ll be a protein-rich sandwich to power the author’s Sierra Mountain hike.
Don’t be one of the flock of chickens blindly crossing the road. Look both ways. Assess the risk. When in doubt, seek an expert’s advice. Ultimately, decide for yourself.
