Caregiver, No More Regret

The year-end holidays have brought sadness to families whose loved ones didn’t see the dawn of 2022. Some if not most feel regret, wishing they had said or done something. As we begin this New Year, let us consider how we communicate with others and reduce our feelings of regret and guilt.

Filled with Regret

I didn’t believe it when my father called to say my mother died. It was April Fools’ Day. Once the news sunk in, I was shocked because she died with regrets. In my early thirties, I figured, when people die after a prolonged illness, they resolve most issues and make amends. After all, we Americans love our movies to end happy—even when dying.

I struggled for years to reconcile my closely held belief with reality.

A year later, a dear friend who served as Milwaukee’s long-time mayor, died. His wife had called to let me know he had been ill. While in Milwaukee, I could have visited him for 30 minutes before my flight back to Los Angeles, but I chose to wait. Meanwhile, death wouldn’t, and took him. That was my regret.

I aimed to be better at spending time with people I cared about, especially if I knew they were going to die. After visiting a former caregiver and long-time friend on Tuesday, and promising to see her again on Good Friday, her daughter called before dawn that Friday to tell me her mom died.

These learning experiences laid the foundation for how I relate to people, now.

While caring for my father who lived with Alzheimer’s, I knew that one day, all I’d have are memories. So, I embraced the time we had together at the end of his life’s journey. As long as blood coursed through his veins, I vowed to make the best of my father’s and my time together.

These are empty words until we breathe life into them through our actions. Caring for a person with dementia is challenging. I got better at it, slowly stripping away my impatience and making time for fun.

The Last Conversation We Have

After two decades of practice, I realize that each conversation I have with someone I care about might be our last.

No guilt. No regrets. Really?

As the conversation comes to a close, I think, what if this is our last time together? I give the person my full attention with no distractions. (People can’t sit still, today. They’re always doing something while having a conversation. I am not one of them… unless, I’m driving.) I try to have authentic conversations in order to avoid those guilt-ridden thoughts later such as, “I should have,” “I wish I had,” or “I regret that I didn’t”.

Some have told me I bear a heavy burden with this approach. Yes, sometimes, it’s a heavier burden to carry. Yet, I avoid feeling regret, later. Besides, it’s like any other worthwhile activity in our lives. If we want to build strength, we must “bear the burden” of lifting weights. The more consistently we do so, the stronger we become.

Greater Self-Compassion Leads to Compassion for Others

Let’s be honest with ourselves and get to know ourselves, better. We live with lots of blind spots. Trusted friends and family can help us see hidden parts of ourselves. Getting this kind of feedback is humbling. Our humility will help us to see others in the same light, because we’re all struggling with one thing or another. Humility helps us to see with a softer heart. The deeper we can reach into our heart, the greater our compassion and ability to have authentic conversations.

I believe, if it’s in my heart and in my mind, I must say it. (More on how, in a moment.) Holding it in will affect how I view the person and how I act. The person will sense it even if I deny it. Instead, I speak my truth (my perspective, opinion, belief) with compassion in the same way I’d like you to give me feedback when I feel weak and vulnerable. This article explains more: Say it.

I am still building my compassion-communication muscles. During those rare moments when a person is filled with anger and spews vulgarity, I will leave. For years, I’d give people a chance. This is how I was raised. I am an adult now and in the second-half-century of my life. I am responsible. I can choose. Self-care in this respect means avoiding toxicity and embracing kindness.

Before It’s Too Late

I am saddened when I read about a celebrity dying. Last week, when Betty White died only weeks before her 100th birthday, she remained engaged and in the public eye until the very end. In 2014, I began searching online for Robin Williams as I had not seen anything about him. Nothing recent. What happened, I wondered. Did people forget him? When in the summer of that year, news broke of his death, people from around the world expressed their sadness, their loss. Where were all these people, earlier, I wondered. Honestly, by this time, their remarks felt disingenuous.

Connect with those you care about, now. Communicate from your heart to have fewer regrets and less guilt.

The next time you talk with someone, let them know what they mean to you. When you read an article that touches you, take a moment to write a comment. Much of our world exists at a one-way speed faster than necessary. If we want to reduce our regret and guilt, begin or add to a spiral of communication that builds over time. Otherwise, one day, it just might be too late.

Related articles:

6 Ways To Communicate with Your Loved Ones to Improve Your Relationship

Communication Challenges between Older Adults and their Children – Part 1