Claire Abel, The Caregiver’s Voice Caregiver of the Month of January 2012, finds joy in caregiving. But it isn’t easy. Read Part 1 of her story (click on underlined link).
Claire Abel with Snuggle and Pancake (Click to enlarge.)
Finding My Own Joy in Caregiving — Part 2 of 2
Guest Post by Claire Abel
I have found, over the years that my being able to cope in a happy, positive manner depends on no one other than ME. First of all, I have to be happy! So I try to get enough sleep. No one can function or have patience with the lack of sleep when everything feels overwhelming. I try to surround myself with the things that I love and that make me happy. I have my two Maltese sweeties, Snuggle and Pancake. I love music. It immediately transports me to another level and fills the house with beautiful melodies. I love to sing to the music! Attending church every week helps ‘recharge my batteries.’ Afterward, I am equipped again to face a new week knowing that I am not in this alone–“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
My husband is always there for me and many times will tell me to just go out and ‘roam’ and he will take care of Mom. Sometimes, just a change of scenery changes my whole outlook. When I reflect on the stressful events of the day, they no longer loom that large!
I only have a few close friends and a dear cousin on the East Coast who are either in the same position or have been caregivers. They are the only people I can talk with who can really relate to what we go through with our loved ones. Others sympathize but can’t empathize. It is very easy for others to say, “Oh, I know what you are going through,” when they simply do not have a clue. Somehow, just talking to someone who understands and cares helps. That is what a support system is all about.
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Claire Abel, husband, Lyle, and her mom, Anne (Click to enlarge.)
One day, I was very teary and upset after Mom said, “I just want to die.” She had said that to me several times in the past. Knowing that I am the most sensitive one in the family, I could not understand why she would ‘lay that on me’ and turn right around and act perfectly fine and happy when a phone call came for her a few minutes later! It hurt me and I really resented it. Tell someone else, but don’t tell me, is how I felt! I am doing my best to literally keep you alive!
Several minutes later, a dear friend and retired doctor called and was talking to my husband, Lyle. He told me to pick up the other line. When I got on the phone, Lyle explained that I was upset because my Mom had just unloaded on me. I asked, “Why would she say that TO ME, of all people, and not to anyone else?” The first words out of his mouth were, “Well, of course she would say that to you! YOU are the closest person to her in the whole world and the only one to whom she can relate her deepest feelings to.” My whole outlook changed in minutes. I lost the resentfulness. Instead, I felt honored that she felt close enough to me to tell me her deepest feelings at that particular moment. I wrote that dear man a note telling him how God used him to change my whole outlook on the situation and how grateful I was for his insight.
My JOY comes from many sources.
It is just knowing that I have been taking care of my Mom and am fully committed to it. I cannot depend on anyone else simply because no one else, aside from my husband, has made that commitment!
It comes from the look in Mom’s eyes when I tuck her into bed and, as I kiss her, she looks into my eyes and says, “Thank you for all you did for me again today, honey. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Where would I be without you and Lyle?”
It comes when she says, “I love you more than you could possibly know.”
It comes when Mom says, “Claire, you are so good to me, really you are.”
It comes when I leave her room, I am walking out of her bedroom in our home—her home—and not out of a room in a nursing home.
It is knowing that I have done the best job I could possibly have done for 15 1/2 years and that leaves no room for regrets.
And most importantly, my joy comes from knowing that if I had to make that same choice to invite Mom to live with us today, 15 1/2 years later, I would make the same choice!
To quote a line from a beautiful Gaither song, “And when relationships demand commitment then I’ll be there to care and follow through.”
TCV Editor: How do YOU find the JOY in caregiving? Leave your reply below.
Thank you, dear Claire for sending the beautiful, intimate “voice” of this article. It is written by a woman of God, who depends and regains perspective from Him. Also, gives respect to her husband…..and the important role he too plays in this chapter of life. Bless you, JoAnn
Claire,
I really enjoyed how you brought the joy of serving into this discussion. Even hard things can be the source of joy from a biblical perspective. Hebrews 12 reminds us that Jesus went to the cross and focused on the joy that was to be won through that very hard experience and death. May God continue to strengthen you to love you mom well in her last days.
Blessings and thanks for sharing,
Pastor Alvin
Hello Claire,
Thank you for sharing this most personal and “real time” insight of what it’s really like in caring for a love one. I agree with your statement that no one really knows unless they have experienced it first hand.
It is so heart warming to read about how well you realize that you have to take good care of yourself in order to be able to take good care of your mom. I understand that sometimes this is easier said than done; but it’s great to know that this is your goal.
You and Lyle have truly demonstrated what it means to love and care for a love one. Virginia and I know that we have been blessed by both of you and your mom. After reading your articles, I now know how I can pray more specifically for you and the family. Please continue to look to us as members of your support team.
With warmest regards,
Ben
Dear Claire,
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with me and others.
Pastor Max.
Claire, thank you for sharing your heart – in this article and in life. We are grateful for your example and presence in our lives.
Hi Claire, I read your article and thought it was both honest and written with love and sincerity. I truly empathize with all that you wrote. I am very busy right now helping Kay. She is still too weak from the surgery to walk so everything is a task. She is such a sweet and kind person, I feel priveledged to be able to be her caregiver.I believe God gives each certain gifts or challenges depending on one’s attitude.
Have a wonderful day. I’m looking forward to a time when I have more free time to spend with you and have some fun!
Take care, Bobbie
Good morning Claire! Yes, indeed! It was wonderful. I immediately sent it to a dear friend who has been caring for her 92 year old Mama in her home for several months. She was really blessed by your thoughts of your experience. It was especially helpful that you were real about the daily challenge to have the love and patience needed. And, it was glorifying to the Lord that you gain strength in and through His grace. Thank you so much for sending the article, but mostly for the example you are to me of a Christ-like love for your Mom. I do not yet have my Mom in my home, but it has been a life-long challenge to be loving , honoring and respectful to her.
Thank you Claire for friendship in Christ. Laurie
Hi Claire:
This was lovely. Thanks for sharing. God bless you!
Your friend, Joanne
Dear Claire–
Well, I want you to know that I read your JOY IN CAREGIVING—-both parts—and found it so inspiring. You have taken on a long and arduous task, I’m sure…..and increasingly so every day—-but what a beautiful spirit and response in the care of your dear Mother. I remember her well. And now at 102 yrs!!!!
Since my dear Marilyn passed away in July of 2010, I have a new burden and sympathy for any and all caregivers. It is like living TWO lives, isn’t it? And so daily……not knowing how long this commitment may last. I’m sure your home has been a haven of blessing for her.
May God give you strength and patience and a special portion of His love.
Howie
Thank you, Claire,
For sharing your story with us. Your dedication to your mother is truly remarkable, and Lyle’s partnership with you in the care of dear Ann is an inspiration as well.
I took the liberty of nominating you for “Caregiver of the Month,” enumerating your well-earned qualifications for the award. Whether or not you get selected, you’re number one caregiver in my book and Tina’s.
As ever,
Jerry Colling
Hi Claire,
I know that you had mentioned me in the article!! Thank you!
I was honored to be a part of your beautiful letter. So perfectly written by you. I am so blessed to have you to talk with Claire. You are the only one who really understands what I discuss with you, and YOU VALIDATE my feelings!! That helps so very much when you are a caregiver. Other people just do not understand.
I thank you so much for your loving “listening ear” and am so blessed that we are walking the same road together, even though distance separates us!!
Love,
Your Cousin, Moo
Dear Claire,
Thanks so much for sharing the write up in The Caregiver’s Voice.
I loved your story and the photos, it was just lovely. You and your
family have so much to share and be proud of.
Love you Diane
This article is just beautifully written and so inspirational to all of us! You are such a great example of a Godly woman and servant of the Lord. Rali and I look up to you and uncle Lyle for your strong commitment to taking care of Ma. It is no coincidence that she has been THRIVING the last 15 years of her life under your wonderful care. The way you both look after her every need with such love and patience, is remarkable and we all love you for taking such great care of her!
Love,
Rali and Mary
Dear Auntie Claire,
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It is so beautiful and what I would so love to do for my own Mom. You are inspiring to me. It’s sort of the same as taking care of small children who have so many needs yet are completely dependent on you. Often times I’ve had to dig deeper than I ever knew I could to tap into the love and patience and commitment being a caregiver requires. Grandma is so lucky to have you and Lyle. And as you know, you are lucky to have her with you. I love you so much. Please give Grandma a big kiss and hug from me today.
Love,
Lauren
WOW, Claire, What a fan base you have. Look at all these comments of support and of people inspired by your words…but mainly, your loving actions toward your mom!
Claire,
The articles are great. You WILL have NO regrets whenever the Lord calls your mom home. You have been a wonderful daughter to her. Know that, no matter what.
Pastor Phil
Dear Aunt Claire,
Very nice! It was so well written. We are proud and admire you.
Love,
Mike
Thank you, Claire, for sharing these thoughts with me. And Congratulations on your award! More importantly, speaking from the viewpoint of one who simply read your story, I learned several things and realized how much my sister goes through in her contact with my mom, who is in an assisted living facility right in our home town of Wayne, New Jersey. In fact, I was just about to call her when I began reading your e-mail; how timely. You’ve inspired me, and your mother is truly an inspiration just the way she interacts with you and Lyle.
I was truly encouraged when I saw how you used scripture and music to ground you and comfort you. Those are two of the best resources I can think of.
Great hearing from you; and congratulations again.
Say hello, please, to your mom and Lyle.
Love,
Larry
Claire,
What a wonderful two part explanation of caregiving for your mom. Dave,Neil and I were in Caregiving facilities for over twelve years. we had several facilities under our care. They were necessary because people like you are not , sadly , the Norm in caring for a loved one. I am so impressed at your ability to give this kind of care and salute you for this. Your story is well written. I also applaud your husband on his attitude and willingness to help. Again, not all are willing to do this! You are very fortunate! Thanks for sharing your story! Give mom a hug for me!!
Duane
Wow, Claire – I thought both parts of the column were beautifully written and contained great wisdom, kindness and gentleness of insight. I am sure that your words will hep other caregivers as they go through their daily struggles and joys of caring for those they love (or those they may have conflicting emotions about, but feel they have a duty to care for.) I specifically appreciated the comment about how your tone is as important as your words when it comes to speaking to someone you are caring for.
Take care – Raquel
Thanks Claire,
You and Lyle deserve the highest award. I am not sure what that is but you are sure worthy. You have set a marvelous example for all of us to follow.
God Bless Abundantly,
Love,
Lester and Mina
Thank you, Mrs. Claire! Great articles! Well done. 🙂 I enjoyed reading them. It is so sweet and such an encouragement to see you honoring God by honoring your Mom. And it is fun to hear how God gives you joy because you honor Him. I am thankful for you. 🙂
Love,
Katie
Good morning! This is beautifully written, Claire. Thank you for sharing it.
Love you, Joey
Dear Claire….
This article was just beautiful…….and so very inspiring! You truly are one in a million and I am so glad to call you my friend!
Love you dear friend!
Peggy
Claire Abel has been such a giving and loving person to her mother – and to all her family. She has an attitude of care and loving concern for all people (as well as for her Maltese dogs!) and a strong spirit of love, not to mention a wonderful sense of humor! She and her mother are lucky to have each other – and to have Lyle – and they are all inspirations to me!
Susan, thank you for your words of encouragement.I agree with your comments about Claire. Does this mean that we want to be sure to be adopted by Claire Abel when we return in another life? SMILE
I struggled with my husband’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, and it was very difficult to get through it sometimes. I did find joy, though, in those rare moments when he remembered me, or some small detail about our life together. Those were the moments I would savor. You are a very strong woman.
If you want to know more about how I experienced life as a caregiver, you can visit ellismlb.com
Martha Lee, thank you for writing. As you noted above, the joys get smaller and smaller. Eventually, we need a microscope to find them and when we do, we treasure them. It’s especially hard when the one with dementia is your spouse. You lose your “backbone” of support, your companion to “hash things out” like life’s mysteries. Thank you, again, for your comment, Martha Lee.